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Antisocial
Yami no Ko
Me on DevaintArt
Shi Sakura
Yamiko Michi
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Thursday, August 21, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
RIGHT... I’m done with the letters XD Finally... I thought I’d never get over it, yet still... *sigh* Kaori came today <3 ... Perhaps I wouldn’t survive those three years without her... Really... Exceptional creature!
Another awakening of today: to the humanistic class (where I go) also goes a bunch of the biggest and silliest rude guys of the universe, SHIT, I didn’t wait till the end of grammar school for salvation from those jerks just to wait till the end of secondary school for same thing!!! Ugh... Blood will be shed in litres... X.X Nevermind. After all I’ll be UNKIND _^_
...ain't a girl no more
Tuesday, August 19, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
FUCK DEVIANTART!!! FUCK!!! They messed up everything... AND banned me? No idea why, I didn't do anything, they wrote that maybe it's by mistake, YO, it's for sure!!! SHITHEADS!!! ><
...ain't a girl no more
Thursday, July 31, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
Didi, you lazy brat, you think I don’t know ya?! When it comes to hang round with your pals and acting like a bunch of perverted shitheads it’s OK, but when it’s to do something more useful you’d rather die than sit and work! I’m gonna kill you one day!
I’M TALKING TO MYSELF AGAIN Oo”
A long, long time ago I added the last entry... At the moment I’m drawing the 2nd page of my twisted comic which I’ll probably give up before reaching the 10th page, but I don’t care, no one would read it anyway. Truly I’m drawing it because I created a character and liked it (though Keith’s still my favorite XD Aeris also loves him *^_^*)... I’d like to keep on drawing, but I always get upset seeing pictures I draw and throw everything to a trash-can. Such thing happened to my „Song for You”, „Purple Dark” and „Guardian”... Hopeless no watashi Xx I’d better draw single pics... And write stories... Matching these things isn’t probably the best way of expressing my creative soul... Though Yoshi wrote me I’d be good at it. Well... He overrestimates me T_T
...Yep. I’ve torn those 2 papers with my comic, and they’re not readable anymore XD You know what... Drawing SCARES me. It’s such a great feeling – drawing a comic! But there’s always a break-down which I cannot bear with, because... Because. I’m „number one big fool”, like Kurai said to Setsuna in the fucked up version of OAV that I have XD Yup, I’ve watched it again, I’m addicted, SO WHAT XD
Gee, this note was supposed to about my sloth but it was about drawing, and eventually everything ends up with Angel Sanctuary ___-___
Hey, I’m bored... I’d connect to the Net, but do you know the pressure of phonebills? If no, then you’re the lucky one! Oh, how nice, I found some sweets... Fuck me, I’m connecting, don’t mind goddamn BILLS!!!
...ain't a girl no more
Sunday, July 6, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
hell I'm bored I can't even draw because everything (by which I mean a pencil --") is paaacked... it's tomorrow... noooooo... anybody help... Xx well. maybe I'll anage to catch Lumi on GG *wishful thinking* (what an achievement would it be! =D)! and as I'm back from thiswhole Jastarnia, I'll be home alone in a creepy mood (it' easy...), then I'm going to go to the cemetery! so what it's on the other end of Milanówek... T_T uI love cemeteries though this one isn't very old I'm afraid... time to visit it! maybe (aainst my family's fear...) with help of some MIRACLE I won't meet any pervert, psycho, serial killer or a voodoo amateur (because "everything's possible"...)? but it would be... strange _^_ I'll admire those beautiful tombstones (if I find them), listen to the silence... cemetery silence is exceptional, not so seeming as somewhere else... weigth of ones resting there holds it down *^^* I love this place, full of peace, allowing to calm inside (though my grandma claimsthat druggies sleep there - well, I think it's hard to sleep there at noon --")... trees, birds' singing, squirrels... in Zyrardow on the cemetery there grow such sugoi, orange lilies with golden middle (we went there with Ayanami, we took them - aand I was shown a plant looking like marihuana _^_ you know how much of it grows there? XD)... Nyo and returing to the tombstones... I like the most the stone ones, craved ones. stone stylished into wood, ivory... and the angels. <3. someday I'll take a camera there! great is a stone, sitting silhouette without its head... impressive Oo or cute, little angels, sleeping for ages... I'd like someone to crave such sleeping *khem* angel on my grave. I wonder who... nyo and if I'll deserve a Christian funeral =P anyway after coming home I'm waiting for mama to go to her job and me to have a nostalgic feeling, and I'll go to the cemetery. because I was there (in Milanowek) only few times, but only by 1 grave, with family with me and in the new part. I must visit that place...
wow, how long is this cemetery entry... I think I should paste in on the blog about midnight... I'll connect to the Net again, HEH... if it goes on then on my 16th B-day (fuck, how quickly time passes, not much time ago I was an 8-year-old, sick of its shyness child with hair reaching tighs ... *.* now I'm shy too, but in a different way... less friendly ==") parents will give me same tombstone ^^U
K.'s just called... She almost got heart disease hearing that *once* Muraki was a normal child... XD And she wished me happy birthday though 17 days left, but it doesn't matter ^_^U
...ain't a girl no more
Thursday, July 3, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
All right, now you must pray for me... Yesterday - after drawing an art for Yoshi (this is what they call out-going personality --") - I started to sketch *another* comic... I have ONE page, but also something like a screenplay (so far I have 3 scenes...), so MAYBE I'll manage to lead it to the end - yay - it would be an achievement... Because so far most of my mangas - except Keith (here, in "manga" part, it's not that hard to guess it) - has fallen... Now I won't write about the story, not because I don't want to make spoilers --", but because I have no idea what it's going EXACTLY to be about, I have characters and a blurry vision, and rest... Is silence... XD
...ain't a girl no more
Thursday, July 3, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
All right, now you must pray for me... Yesterday - after drawing an art for Yoshi (this is what they call out-going personality --") - I started to sketch *another* comic... I have ONE page, but also something like a screenplay (so far I have 3 scenes...), so MAYBE I'll manage to lead it to the end - yay - it would be an achievement... Because so far most of my mangas - except Keith (here, in "manga" part, it's not that hard to guess it) - has fallen... Now I won't write about the story, not because I don't want to make spoilers --", but because I have no idea what it's going EXACTLY to be about, I have characters and a blurry vision, and rest... Is silence... XD
...ain't a girl no more
Wednesday, July 2, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
Gosh, people who I correspond with. Without You I'd propably *guess* Ma starts again, that I'm exaggerating, that You replace "real" friends (excuse me I dare to say my pen-friends are SAME friends liek those from school!!!), but I don't feel liek listening to it, I'm sick of it. She hadn't ever had any penpals herself, maybe that's why... But I'll keep writing these letters, no matter how much she complaints. If there are any people I care about *yay* then I won't "forget" about them...
And I mut make this pic on the left smaller T_T
...ain't a girl no more
Saturday, June 28, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
I threw away most of anime CDs etc. I cleaned my hard drive so that the desktop ain’t original at all. I even deleted AIM, soon I’ll delete GG. I’m leaving here only my untranslated story, poems and WWW sites. The rest dropped dead... Why? It won’t changeanything anyway. You should have seen my ma’s reaction as she saw a video with Tsu and Muraki (it was gentle, but still). Well I think Murak started to symbolize something deeper, because makes me fuckin’ cry (my eyes are so red I look like some mixed youkai).
I hate myself so much I’d gladly solve the problem, problem gifted with my name, my face, my voice, my thoughts, my feelings – ME. This is the way problems should be solved and if it wasn’t for my parents... I’d probably have solved the problem a long time ago.
...ain't a girl no more
Thursday, June 26, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
Mama und granny are watching some cooking program. There was showed how to gut a fish (and there was her head off lying ). Of course I had to turn my eyes away. Then I went upstairs ad cried. People die minute by minute and rather loudly they do, but when I see another animal suffer...
I wrote a poem yesterday (granny said it’s about changing the windows. Yaaay --"). I dedicate it to the fish I saw today.
Elegy about... [Polish window]
They left me on the table
Opened
They let the birds of black
From their windows gaze
As I am – bite by bite –
Licked off
By wings with eyes so great
They let the wings of gray
So passionlessly stare
As I am – step by step –
Brought out
By pliant legs of strength
They let the legs of sepia
Around and back turn
As I seemingly
With one eye
Was still a bit alive.
I have no heart
From my body opened
Mercifully taken off
By those in black
Hey, thanks
(it sounds MUCH better in Polish, believe me...)
...ain't a girl no more
Wednesday, June 25, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
Another surprise of today... In 3 years I’ll have been an – according to brilliant Polish law – adult. Fully responsible for my deeds. And obligated to deciding about my pathetic future... And again I’m haunted by a beautiful vision of mine, which is called “can’t I just die peaceful death in age of 17” -- ?? Later there’s only getting old... And stuff... Who needs it...
Probably I’ll go to Milanówek. However my mother wants to “see how it’ll be with the other schools”. Can’t she understand it’s my own choice and this “we’ll see” only makes my decision harder to make? Ah, whatever... Don’t care a shit.
...ain't a girl no more
Wednesday, June 25, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
2,5 hour and I’ll know the results... I’ll have such bright consciousness which school I got to... The problem will appear when I’ll realize I got to Czacki school in Warsaw ^^” I think I’ll just throw a coin, ‘cause I have no idea where to go – there, or to Milanówek... I can’t make a decision... T_T
...Nyo I’m on the reserve list in Czacki and I got to Rej. I DUNNO!!! Otherwise I won’t go anywhere, my pal had a boyfriend who was a dealer so I’ll find a job ><
...ain't a girl no more
Tuesday, June 24, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
You are Yue Kato. Kato's past made him to a person
who always hides his feelings. He took lots
of drugs and did never care about others. After
being involved in the angels buisness he
changed a bit. Even if he hides it, his heart
is gentle.
What Angel Sanctuary Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
...ain't a girl no more
Monday, June 23, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
I’m drawing a pic right now. Rare thing – I’m proud of it XD But my ma is the person who can always make me down. I’m running to her, all happy, and asking if it’s good. And the first thing she does is turning her eye, and then she says, “you’d better draw something usual, like a ladder cart”. Thanks. Then I’ll die misunderstood, because a ladder cart would never ever inspire me _-_ So sad I’m such a boring thing... Yeah, yeah, maybe I’m that narcissistic that I need to be praised and told that I’m not THAT hopeless, otherwise I sink in some inferiority complex, maybe it’s all my fault... Maybe I shouldn’t ask others, then I’d be happier. But THEN I’d live in a LIE. But why the truth is so painful?!
...ain't a girl no more
Sunday, June 22, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
When I was 7, I sat in classroom with Micha³ (well I sat with him reallyyyy long --"). Teacher told us to read a story and underline words we don't understand. Micha³ said, "I don't understand that line at the bottom of this page" and I said, "Me too". So we both underlined the line
...ain't a girl no more
Sunday, June 22, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
First of all... First? All right ^^” I dunno what was first – (Chaos XD) It’s hard to recognize me now ^^” I don’t have glasses (bueh, I wanted lenses making my eyes white or yellow, but they’re colorless :P)...Anymore... Well, maybe sometimes ^_^ And I had my hair straightened. I know it’s not for long, they’re very anarchistic... And curly Oo”
I’ve seen an awesome movie <3 “28 Days Later” It’s a thriller, really hardcore! (I didn’t know it’s NC18, in Poland there were no such bondaries...) *^___^* Though it was fucking terryfying sometimes, I (not only I) think it’s a great movie. And the music... I’d sell my soul to Evil to get it... (well I don’t remember whether I’d already sold my soul or not ^^”) My mother said, “next time I WILL choose the movie”,bu she was pleased too ^^
...ain't a girl no more
Saturday, June 21, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
Hahah... How funny people are! All they need is a name, and then everything is all right. E.g. Jenny walks down the street and some guy follows her. She's afraid till someone tells her, "it's Johnny". Then she gives a sigh of relief, "ah, Johnny, I see" - like the fact she knows the guy's name could prevent all dangers... It's like "I won't eat it!" "It's (here the name goes)" "Ah, well... Maybe I'll taste"... It's silly XD The name is enough to calm one down...
...ain't a girl no more
Thursday, June 19, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
help... I'm feeling artistic XD I've already drawn too pics this evening, help m or I'll draw more or write some strange stuff XD You can go and check on http://didlit.deviantart.com what I've done... (I want those deviations to submit faster XD) I dunno why every thing I write is weird and depressive (it's not MY opinion. People who read it - I mean my family - say so. All I can do is trust them... T_T), but I know that if I wrote something optimistic and happy (spring, such things???), I'd probably throw up... Poor lil' child of Darkness ^^" (my classmates used to call me that way. They also call me Insane Right Hand of Lucifer or Suicidal Satanist <== that was used by native speaker on English lesson XD) Shit, is that Therion making me so strange, or is just something inside me? --"
...ain't a girl no more
Wednesday, June 18, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
I had a cure operation , removing stupid tooth ^^" Now my cheek hurts and I can't eat anything today... Something funny happened, I mean: parents tol me that I can't control my emotions at all and asked if I had any problems. Well. Theoretically I don't have any problems. And I dunno what's my problem. No one nows. "The problem is you, and whatcha gonna do..." Yup, I'm the problem. Lil' problem.
...ain't a girl no more
Tuesday, June 17, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
Another evening soaked in tears. Exams... Writing – stories, essays, poems, letters, characteristics, whatever you want me to – is the best thing I can do. I won’t be too proud if I say I’m talented – it’s not my opinion, people say so. Even Polish teachers! And in writing part of humanistic exam I lost some points. Maybe not a tragic amount, but it doesn’t look perfect, and it should have... I can’t take it anymore... And you know what I got from some guy from 2nd class? (in my school 2nd classers buy presents for their sempai ;P) A volume of “Gundam Wing”... Fortunately he didn’t see me when I opened it. Everyone got something nice – oh, and the prize for grades and so on. Why girls got some poetry, and I got a book I’ve already read? All right, I know, I’m exaggerating... And tomorrow I’m going to a dentist. Because my teeth aren’t straight. I’m having an operation and I know it’s gonna hurt. The fact I’m still alive is an effect of that poisons or loaded guns aren’t well available. “you flirt with suicide, sometimes that’s OK...”
I wonder if my mother ever realizes that this “Tainted Love” I’m listening to is sung by Marylin Manson. Heh. I love his voice, and the music.
...ain't a girl no more
Tuesday, June 17, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
I've been listening to "Lithium" all the morning, I feel a little better now... I don't care what all those jerks think about me. Interesting what would they do if they knew what I think about them.
Jasiek found me on GG. He didn't notice that there's something wrong if I answer only "mhm", "no" or "dunno" all the time...
I changed some things here. I think it looks a bit better...
...ain't a girl no more
Tuesday, June 17, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
I don’t want to change a thing. Oh well, I want to change myself, completely, no, to “change” is a wrong expression, I want to be reborn as someone so far different, never want to look into mirror and see this face again, don’t want to hear this voice and be who I am. I don’t wanna be such bastard, I don’t wanna be the way I am, I want to be someone fucking else, could anyone help me, maybe I should die. But I dunno if it’s a good idea, what about my family they’ll be sad, well at least world would be less crowded without me, emptiness causes less duties, I want to die, I want to fade, I want to vanish, I want to disappear, I want never to be known, I want to die. Day after day I wish for Death and it never comes, I’m tired with it. Please. I can’t go on like this. I want to fade awaaaay... Evil people can live their way, just as good ones, and I feel creepy being so horrible, yeah I should try to be better but it can’t work, all I can do is just keeping silent, maybe somehow I’ll manage to be good, but... I want to be hung, shot and poisoned for things I’ve done and thoughts I had. I want to be punished, condemned to death. And still I have something that stops me. That something is what I hurt and what I love, I need it and it needs me. But it’s painful, because I can’t punish myself because of it. I’m a coward, I’m a stain on kind and true, warm feelings. I should fade, I can’t. I’m about to jump through the window, but still that something is around. I deserve to die... And my tears, my egoistic tears, are in vain.
(some hours later)
I’ve just came from the last school party. I hate it. But I realized one important thing: it doesn’t fucking matter if people (especially parents!!!) tell me I look beautiful (yay, that was FUNNY...), I can be only little creep trying to be something better... After 4 hours of sitting under the fucking wall I made sure it’s true. One guy danced with me (it was brother of my friend), I’m almost sure he did it only of mercy, I must have looked pitiful T_T I was supposed to go with my friend, but OF COURSE yesterday he reminded himself that he has to practice before his band’s concert, that was nice of him, and I was left alone... My father said he was a dick (he didn’t use THAT word but he meant it), well I don’t care. And mother tried to cheer me up, everything ended up with a speech “what a loner I am and I should meet people, and enjoy myself more”... It’s BULLSHIT, but I really don’t care. It’s almost 1 A.M., but tomorrow I have the day off, so I can stay up late to type all these stupid things that don’t interest anyone, but The Cranberries rocks.
Well... That school party was “awesome” – those sluts from my class, and their “palz” grabbing her butts and pussies, and their tongues, yuck. I drank so much Coca~Cola I almost threw up... I’m happy I’m at home now. At least I can do what I want to. Soon I’ll try to make this blog look better... Maybe Sakira won’t hurt me XD
“Sweet Dreams” by Marylin Manson... He RLZ... Jasiek (that guy who was supposed to go with me to that fucking party) told me he’d give me a copy of his new album (mother would never, ever let me buy something like that...), but now he can suck his own dick... See, I’m not the one who makes scenes in the middle of the street, cries into the mobile phone, or runs with an axe... But I’m little angry with him, not only me (father will kill him XD)... He’s not my boyfriend or something Oo” He’s just a friend... No. An acquaintance. Someone who I’d used to call “a friend” some time ago. Is there any worth in wondering if some one is my friend, or isn’t? No... There’s not. A real friend will be the person who will cry on my funeral.
...ain't a girl no more
Sunday, June 15, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
I’ve been to the Kult concert... Awesome atmosphere, pogo, waves, hair, hands and singing... <3 Sugoi! Thx to Beton for protect =P and mr guards for standing like British guards instead of calming down fighting dressmen (I stood in a “individual” sector...) Exactly. People! Wazzup with ya?! To interrupt 3 times because some dumbasses need to fight?! “Can’t anything take place with no problems in this country” (quoting Kazik ;)?!!! I think I’ll emigrate someday! Fortunately the most of public was all right and willing to have fun (“no mercy for sonnabitches!!!”)
Nyo, but what a dirt... Dust, orange Fanta... Brown soaked from my hair... And I has brown shoes – BUUUT nevermind -^_^-
JUSTICE FOR ALL!!!
...ain't a girl no more
Sunday, June 15, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
All right, it’s my entire great fault. Maybe I’m not upset, just rude, I don’t want to be alone but just angry with whole world... Maybe I can’t express my feelings as clear as people want me to, maybe I’m acting like a wild creep. Day by day, I’m starting to think it’s really me to blame. I shall be more communicative, happy-go-lucky, out-going, talkative, cheerful and always willing to meet with people. Antisocial creep. Only mosquitoes like me... (and it really itches) There are many things I could be hated about, sometimes I am – strange how some people bear with me. If I could only be somebody fucking else... Every time I look into the mirror I see the face I despise, so ugly and so twisted... Always looking angry. Even my voice sounds aggressive. Don’t remind me about my inner self. I know that sometimes it would be better for me to watch myself, I can’t control all these emotions, I can’t force myself to pretend to be someone I am not. If I care, it’s wrong, but if I don’t care it’s getting even worse. All of them, they’d like to see me always smiling and friendly, and OH praying for the God’s sake... It’s far too hard, to act all the time, so I fail. Always. I try to be real, but it’s wrong, then I try to be a good child. I fail again. Others are able to do well, see the brighter side, care about themselves and do everything right. Even if they pretend. I also tried to act, but in the end I don’t know who I really am, now it’s too hard to say. Deceiving myself and deceiving others... I don’t even know where the truth is. Who cares anyway. It only matters to make a good impression...
...ain't a girl no more
Tuesday, June 10, 2003 - daddy's little girl...
Errr... I moved here from xanga because that place annoyed me. I don't know why, some places annoy just without any reason. By the way, tomorrow I'm going to a school trip. Packing is really great thing, you know, when you ntice that a soap hadn't been used for a year turns into something pink and creepy, and things like 'ah, that's were I've left my camera half year ago' cross your mind... Thank gods this trip will last 4 days... I hate trips ==" I hate staying with other people too long... Most there people I hate --' what a pleasure... T_T
I'm writing this stupid entry just to check if it works --
...ain't a girl no more
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nicks:. Gabriella, didlit, Aya Akai, Buraczkowe, Lil' Antichrist, Lil' Hentai
bd:. 23 VII 1987
likes:. writing, drawing, painting, dreaming, poetry, art, books, surrealism, annoying others ^.^, Kaori Yuki, shounen-ai, fallen angels, Darkness, singing, gothic...
music:. gothic, rock, metal, punk, choral (KoRn, Nirvana, System of a Down, Kinya Kotani, Clannad, Rammstein, M. Manson, OSTs from AS and YnM, Therion, Kult, Apocalyptica etc.)
color:. black, blood-red, dark-red, dark-green... Blood-white _^_
weather:. cloud, rainy, gloomy, stormy, snowy, windy...
manga:. Angel Sanctuary, Kaine, ount Cain, Neji, Boys Next Door, Cruel Fairyales, Yami no Matsuei, Gravitation, Color, Eden, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Lain, Saiyuki, Seimaden...
bishies ^_-:. Katou, Rociel, Mika, Hatter (AS), Muraki (YnM), Takashiro (Color)...
songs:. "Creep" (Radiohead), "Lithium" (Nirvana), "Chop Suey!" (SoaD)
hates:. lack of tolerance, reality, hip-hop, pop, pink color, narrow-minded bastards XD, smell of strawberries, Sun, modems...
addicted to:. Coca~Cola, Net, computer =P
usually is:. gloomy, angry, hyper, mad, depressed, insane XD, obsessive
"if I go crazy then would you still call me superman..." (it's from some song. I love it)
AIM: buraknyo
MSN: akai666@hotmail.com
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